Suggestions for Unattached Men III – First dates

I can’t take you past dating, as I am on my third marriage and am working hard to figure out how to do that properly. I have a high level of confidence that should this marriage end I can go out and get plenty of dates, and it is on that basis that I provide this advice. I’m a pretty slow learner sometimes, but once I get something, I’ve got it. I’ve figured out the dating game, and very much hope that I have now learned enough about long-term relationships that all future dates are with my wife.

If you read my previous post, Suggestions for Unattached Men II – Getting Lots of Dates and Flirting, you should be in a position to get dates. Some of them won’t be actual dates, because you’ll just be out having fun with a woman, but you are evaluating whether you want it to turn into a date, or whether subsequent outings will be dates.

At this point, I need to make a distinction, and so do you. Divide women into two groups: women you want to have sex with and think you could have a relationship with and women you only want to have sex with. If you’re not thinking sexually about a woman, then perhaps you’re not really interested in her. Either that, or you have an idealised idea of a “pure” relationship and need to get over that or you’ll mess it up.

Women and sex

Some women will have sex with you with no expectations of an ongoing relationship. They are seeking a one-night stand. If that’s what you want, then knock yourself out. The arrival of reliable birth control and antibiotics ushered in the sexual revolution and enabled women to be much more sexually free than at any time in human history.

This last point is important, because it means that one-night stands run counter to about a million years of biological programming for women. There is some research that indicates that an emotional attachment occurs for women when they have sex, no doubt thanks to this programming. In days gone by, a woman would only willingly have sex with a man who was her partner. To do otherwise risked getting pregnant and subsequently being burdened with a child, and possibly shunned by the community.

Remember this: Women are wired to seek security; men are wired to seek fertility.

Thus I warn you that you may be playing with fire by having random sex. It is ‘natural’ for a man to want to spread his seed widely; there is even evidence that sperm are adapted to kill off the sperm of other men if encountered inside a woman. It is also ‘natural’ for a woman to only have sex with a man when she is confident that she and any resulting offspring will be well-provided for. That doesn’t necessarily mean you are the provider; it could be her husband. In the first case, the woman may develop an attachment to you. In the second, her husband may come after you.

If you just want sex, then you’re not really dating, as to most people dating comes with the expectation that at least there is the potential for a long-term relationship. If you just want sex, then amp up the sexually-oriented flirting. The woman will bite, or not. In the latter case, you move on quickly. In the former, she’ll be flirting back in sexual ways, like meeting your gaze, playing with her hair, getting closer, emphasizing her body (pushing her breasts out), and making innuendos. Have a good time.

Women and dating

This article is really more about dating than one-night stands. The DeAngelo material mentioned in the previous posts and at the bottom of this one does go into ‘getting laid’ in some depth. But from this point forward, I’m going to assume you are interested in a woman and want to see where things go. You may not have any desire to marry her; you may have no long-term plans with her. But you do like her and find her attractive, and at least want to go out with her and see where it goes.

This brings up another point that many men have a hard time with: being exclusive, meaning you date only each other. Only do this if she has stated she is exclusive and you’re getting all the physical attention you want. If you have yet to have sex, you are foolish to commit to exclusivity.

But let’s say you’ve gone out on a non-date, as described in Suggestions for Unattached Men II – Getting Lots of Dates and Flirting. You’ve decided you like her enough to go on a real date. The difference between a real date and a non-date is the following:

• You both consider it a date
• You’re out alone together
• You are going to get physically intimate at some point(s) during the date

Let’s go through these one at a time.

If only one of you considers it a date, it is not a date. It is awkward, and there is the potential for hurt feelings. How do you know if she considers it a date? As the man, it is your job to make clear that you consider it a date, and not by inviting her to a chick flick and showing up on her doorstep with flowers. Those indicate date intentions on your part, not hers, and they are boring and predictable.

Of course, if you invite her to go skydiving or to a party, it could just be a friendly activity, so you need to pick something that is date-like. Women, you may be aware, love romance. If your outing involves cuddling in a blanket watching a beautiful sunset, that’s a date.

Turning non-dates into dates

You can turn a non-date into a date fairly easily simply by getting more intimate. There is no need to do this on the first non-date, by-the-way. Women love intrigue and a man of some mystery – meaning she can’t quite figure you out – so there’s no need to rush. As long as you’re flirting throughout the date, and especially if you add a bit of physical intimacy, she won’t put you in the ‘friend’ category. But let’s say on the second or third non-date outing you’re quite liking her and you’re sensing she likes you.

[Note: shy guys often have a hell of a time determining whether or not a woman likes them. The best advice I ever received and have since confirmed for myself to be true is this: If you think a woman might possibly be sending you positive signals, she almost certainly is. Men are generally nowhere near as tuned in to subtlety as women, so what seems vague and unclear to you, she may consider blindingly obvious and forward. This is why you should pay attention when women say things like, "I've heard that new restaurant is good." To you, her statement means just that. What she is actually saying is that she would like to go to that restaurant. **Second note: If you want to set yourself apart, don't immediately propose that you go to the aforementioned restaurant. Instead, say something vague like you've heard the same thing, and file away the name of the place. Then on a future date make the destination a surprise - and make it that restaurant.]

Back to the chase. To get more intimate means to get more physically intimate, not to start crying because your dog died when you were a kid. If you are unsure if she’s into you in ‘that way,’ then a good way to test is to get more physically intimate. Move closer to her. Touch her arm, face, or hair. Lean in and whisper something, and let your face touch her hair. Make eye contact.

Now, does she reciprocate? Of course, if she initiated the physical contact, you already know. But if you were the initiator, how does she respond? If she leans away when you lean in or sit closer, she’s probably not interested in you in ‘that way.’ If she is into you, she will at least not move away when you move in. More likely she will signal you subtly by reciprocating – perhaps not immediately; she may not want to seem too forward or for things to move too fast just yet. She will touch you back, she will brush against you, she will put her hand on you when you lean in, she will lean forward and give you a good view of her cleavage, she’ll ‘make eyes’ at you, and so on.

The point is that if physical contact is reciprocated, it’s now a date.

Up the ante

Let’s say you’ve done some of this and she has reciprocated. What’s next? You can make it official by holding her hand or putting your arm around her. This works if you’re out walking or sitting in a theatre, not so much if there’s physical distance between you, like a restaurant table. In that case, wait until the obstacle is gone; don’t stretch. Stick to eye contact and verbal flirting until then.

Do not worry about moving too fast. After my second divorce, I decided I needed some help and read some excellent books by marriage counsellors. (That’s also when I got into the Deida and DeAngelo stuff.) One of them said something like, “All men occasionally make ‘inappropriate’ sexual moves.” (I can personally confirm this is true.) If you are in a relationship, at some point you will grab a breast or a buttock when she doesn’t want you to. She may respond with anything from a dirty look to a lecture to a slap; don’t take it personally. In fact, laugh and tell her you find her irresistible. She’ll probably roll her eyes, but no damage has been done; the opposite, in fact.

Do not caress her breast on a date, tempting as it may be. That is too sexual too quickly, and women rarely want to be seen as sex toys in public. What I mean by “moving too fast” is simply not being afraid to try to be more physically intimate. Watch for reciprocation! If you put your arm around her and she shrinks away, wait a bit and take your arm away – and don’t do it again until she does something physical to you. If she never does, it wasn’t a date or she has serious hang-ups about minor physical intimacy. Either way, move on.

If she responds positively to your initial approaches, try more. If she was OK with you touching her arm, admire her earrings by moving her hair back and gently holding her earlobe. Don’t spend a lot of time on the earring or it will get awkward. If she lets you get that close, she probably really likes you. If she acts all shy, if her cheeks flush, if she gets flustered, she likes you.

A note here: Don’t hold physical intimacy too long, whether it’s an earlobe, a kiss, or a simply holding hands. A good rule with women is to leave them wanting more. Men often don’t get this because we tend to be so much more direct. Women prefer a build-up, some suspense, some mystery about where you’re going with her.

The first kiss

At some point in a date, there has to be a kiss or at least an attempt at a kiss, and you should initiate it. Generally speaking, women prefer men to make the overtures to intimacy; no doubt this is due to biological and social programming.

Do not wait until the end of the date to go for a kiss. That is predictable and leads to a lot of tension for you. Instead, wait for an intimate moment – after you have already done some physically intimate things that have been reciprocated, and just go for it. Don’t put your tongue down her throat; don’t even do an open-mouthed kiss necessarily. Remember, women like a build-up.

There are lots of ways to do this; let me give two examples.

• You’re standing close, perhaps holding hands or with your arm around her. The moment feels a bit intimate. Face her, put your hand on the back of her neck, and kiss her briefly with soft lips. Don’t pull her body close, don’t open your mouth (unless she opens hers, then you have to), and and don’t hold the kiss. Do close your eyes. Make it short and sweet and tender. Then pull back, look her in the eyes, and return to standing with your arm around her. If she doesn’t snuggle in, she’s not into you and you misjudged. More likely she will get closer, put her arm around you, toss her hair in a satisfied way, or something similar.
• You’re walking or talking, you sense the chemistry is great, and you just stop (walking or talking), grab her shoulders or head, and smooch her. Same as above: close your eyes and lips, don’t hold it long. Then push her back, still holding her, smile a mischievous smile, and carry on talking or walking, but now holding her hand. Again, there should be some indication that she liked it. Flushed cheeks, a smile, suddenly shy, bumping into you, something will indicate she liked it and likes you.

Do not take personally if she does not immediately reciprocate, because it is very common that women do not want to appear too forward. They are afraid that you will take reciprocation as a sign to go further, and she may want to slow you down a bit, or at least keep it to this level on this date. Or she may be right into it and off you go. Either way, as long as she gives you some signals that she still likes you, you’re golden. She may take the initiative to hold your hand, may snuggle close, etc.

Congratulations!

Whether it goes brilliantly or disastrously or somewhere between, you’ve just dated a woman. You tried new things, you initiated, you built your confidence. Practice makes perfect, so whether you continue to see this woman or move on to others, keep initiating, keep showing confidence, keep being a man.

I’ll have more on this last point in my next Suggestions post, which will likely be the last. This blog is supposed to be about greening the economy, climate change, peak oil, and so forth, but these articles have proven to be quite popular, so there is clearly a need. And we desperately need men to start stepping up and confronting reality; we need men willing to speak the truth and do what is right. Perhaps it starts with men being more like men when it comes to dating.

Resources for this post

Here are some of the things that worked for me to develop more confidence with women. Online dating services like Match and lavalife will get you in front of a lot of women, but speed-dating is better.
David DeAngelo (the uppermost banner) offers an eBook that was very helpful to me and I recommend it highly. He also had CDs; I sold mine on eBay and am not sure if he offers them any more; search Double Your Dating. DeAngelo also offers a free newsletter with lots of great tips; click the upper banner to subscribe; you don’t have to buy anything.