Suggestions for Unattached Men IV: Wussiness, sex, masculinity, etc

Note: All of the topics below and many more will be greatly expanded upon in the soon-to-be-released ebooks:

• Suggestions for Unattached Men
• On Becoming a Man

To be released as a set.

There are three previous articles in this set. If you liked this one, you’ll probably also want to read:

1. Suggestions for Unattached Men
2. Suggestions for Unattached Men II – Getting Lots of Dates and Flirting
3. Suggestions for Unattached Men III – First dates

Wussiness

Do NOT turn into a wuss on the first or any subsequent date, or even once married. (That is one important thing I have learned so far about marriage.)

The prime example of wuss behaviour? Not having an opinion. Women hate when a man says, “I don’t know, what do you want to do?” They hate it. You will lose major points, meaning the woman’s attraction to you will go down. In fact, women are not keen on any expression that amounts to “I dunno.” How often did John Wayne say that? Never. If he didn’t know, he planned to find out or he didn’t care – and he had a good reason for not caring. If you don’t know who John Wayne was, think about strong males. At no point does a real man say “I dunno.” Women look for confidence and ambition; “I dunno” expresses neither.

If you really don’t know and don’t have an answer, then start asking questions. Ask her why she wants to know that. Ask yourself questions out loud if you have to, for example: “Hmm, I feel like vegetarian tonight, but I’ve been wanting to try that new seafood place, too….” Allow a moment and she may jump in with an idea – but don’t necessarily drop yours. If you were feeling like vegetarian, why would you suddenly agree to go to a steakhouse because she wants to…unless you’re a wuss?

In my first Suggestions for Unattached Men article I said that women are always testing. If you say veg she may well say steak because she wants to see how firm you are, so to speak. If you constantly cave to what she wants, she won’t think you’re much of a man.

I also used vegetarian food as an example for a couple of reasons. First, it’s not what most women would expect a man to say, so you earn bonus points for being original. Second, as I hope you have noticed, this blog is primarily about climate change, peak oil, and living sustainably. I only write these articles for single men because the first one became wildly popular, so I figure there is a need – and the world needs more and more confident men. One way to show your confidence is to have courage in your convictions, and a great way to do that is to takes dates to vegetarian restaurants, believe it or not. Any ‘real man’ can take a woman to a steakhouse or an Italian restaurant or to a rib joint; how many have the courage to take her to a (good) vegetarian restaurant because you’re trying to lighten your load on the planet?

Sex and wussiness

In that first article I linked to a Craigslist post that illustrates the plague of wussy men who populate our post-modern society. Women want men to show initiative, to take the initiative, in many regards, including sex. Don’t apologise for being a man.

Remember I mentioned earlier that all men will occasionally do something sexually inappropriate? Do NOT apologise for that. Laugh it off. Respect her; if she didn’t like it don’t do it again (immediately, anyway). But don’t let her tell you how a man ’should’ behave or you will cease to be seen as much of a man by her.

Back to sex: Yes, you will have to take the initiative. Read that Craigslist post again. If she has given you signals and you do not go for it, she’s going to be frustrated and feel rejected. And that will not do your chances for sex or a relationship much good. You are almost always better to try too much, too soon than to be too ‘respectful.’ For god’s sake, don’t ask if you can make love to her.

If you end up on the sofa, if she’s playing with her hair, if she’s touched you, if she’s given you a view of her cleavage, if she’s sitting close, kiss her! Tongue will be involved, perhaps not instantly but shortly. If that is working out well, your hands need to start wandering. Don’t worry, she will stop you if you’ve miscalculated. It certainly won’t be the end of the world if you do, and you certainly better not apologise. You’re a man. If you’re with a woman you like in ‘that way’ and she lets you, sex will occur.

Some final notes: ED

Aka, erectile dysfunction. It happens. The older you get, the more likely it is to happen. The less you are attracted to a woman, the more likely. The more alcohol you’ve had…many things can cause it. Sometimes it’s a signal that you shouldn’t go there with this person. Don’t apologise for it; there are lots of other ways to have fun in bed and if she can only be happy with that one method, she has her own hang-ups.

Various drugs help, but a lack of arousal or tension will defeat them. And you don’t want to be popping pills to have sex with a woman that your body is trying to tell you that you shouldn’t be.

Bitchiness

It seems very unfair to a  man, but women are very much What have you done for me lately? That’s why you can be a prince all day and she’s totally into you and you can tell good things are going to happen tonight – and then one little thing changes everything; it might not even have been you.

This is because women run much more on emotion than men. The upside of this is that you can often turn this around equally quickly as long as you don’t get all emotional and take it personally. Call her on it – not in a nasty way, but a “Hey, we were great today” way and she may well turn around and be right back to being nice.

At the same time, all those princely behaviours do store up some brownie points, making it more likely she’ll stay with you if you do something really stupid.

All women will say shitty things to their man at times. Quite likely you will also say or do some things that aren’t nice too, that aren’t the way you want to treat someone you care about. Apologise when you do, and call her on it when she does it to you. However, there are some women who have ‘issues.’ They have fears, they’re exceptionally selfish, whatever; do not put up with being treated badly except very rarely. Call her on it, but if she doesn’t change then walk away as soon as it becomes clear she’s not going to treat you well.

Details

There is a word in Spanish, “detallista,” which when applied to a man by a woman means a man who pays attention to details, and is a compliment. (This is at least true in Colombia, where my wife is from.) It means various sorts of details, from doing a good job ironing your shirt to remembering her favourite restaurant.

If you are a detallista, you will set yourself apart. This does not mean fawning over a woman, or putting her foremost in your life. (By-the-way, as a man your mission in life will be more important than your woman. She will not like this, but will also not respect you if your world revolves around her. See David Deida’s excellent The Way of the Superior Man for a fuller explanation of masculinity. The wisdom in that book changed my life.)

Remembering small things that are important to her go a long way.

Physical appearance

Not hers, yours. As men, we all know that a woman’s appearance matters to us (and to them; this is why, when she puts out a special effort to dress up, you will make her day by admiring her). 

While physical appearance is less important to women, they do like a man who takes care of his appearance; it shows you care about yourself. I once belonged to a forum for shy people, as I was once shy. On that forum was a young man complaining he wasn’t getting anywhere with the ladies. He also revealed that he wore a fanny pack everywhere. A bunch of us advised him to ditch it, and he just would not. In his view, it was very practical and women “shouldn’t” judge him for wearing one. In our view, and likely that of the women, he looked like a socially-clueless dork.

You don’t have to look like you just walked off a GQ fashion shoot. (I linked to Amazon in case you want to subscribe, get more details, see reader ratings, and so on. I don’t subscribe.) You do have to look like you care about your appearance and your health, and that you recognise that clothes do make the man to a certain extent. Just as men prefer women who are not fat, women prefer men who take care of themselves. If you don’t take care of yourself, how are you going to take care of her? And, despite what you may have heard, few women want a ‘project.’ Every woman wants a man she can be proud of.

The best resource I have found for physical appearance is Men’s Health. I subscribed for years and found it very helpful for everything from clothing tips to diet advice to words of wisdom about women. (I am pretty sure it was in Men’s Health that I read about the guy who had figured out that failure to get an erection was sometimes a signal not to go there with this woman.)

Balancing being a man with being with a woman

Men and women are quite different; you may have noticed. Whole books have been written on the subject, and after reading many of them plus some not inconsiderable experience, I still find women maddening and puzzling at times. However, here’s something else I have discovered: most women also find themselves puzzling at times. They know they have emotions that sometimes make no sense, especially at that time each month. C’est la vie.

Given this, don’t take everything your woman says or does personally. Sometimes she will have fabulous advice for you. Sometimes this advice will be expressed in ways that infuriate you. Use your masculine rationality to reason through what she told you, no matter how expressed, and learn the lesson.

On another note, do things because you agree they are important. If you don’t want to do something but do for her sake, it’s OK she knows that – and it’s important you then make the best of it – don’t ruin it for her with guilt. If she drags you to a movie she really-really-really wants to see, you don’t have to pretend to like it, but you damn sure shouldn’t spoil her good time. Let her gush and swoon. Ask her what she liked about it. Try and find something you liked about it. Don’t be a baby and sulk the whole time

A final word: On masculinity, femininity and homosexuality

David Deida had a fascinating concept of masculinity and femininity that is worth thinking about. (You’ll have to read his book to understand fully what he meant by masculine and feminine. I went into it a bit in the first Suggestions for Unattached Men article.)

Visualise a continuum with masculinity on one end and femininity on the other. Now:

• Most heterosexual men are toward the masculine end
• Most heterosexual women are toward the feminine end
• Some heterosexual men are more feminine
• Some heterosexual women are more masculine
• Most, but by no means all, homosexual men are more feminine
• Most, but by no means all, homosexual woman are more masculine

Thus we get our stereotypes of gay men and women, and the common but dangerous assumption that a feminine man is gay and a ‘butch’ woman is lesbian.

We also tend to assume that a man is more of a man the more masculine he is, but this is incorrect. Excessive masculinity in men is a problem, an extreme, an imbalance, just as is excessive femininity in women. There is a wide range of what’s ‘normal’ and, more importantly, functional, and the extremes at either end are neither. You can be a feminine man and be perfectly normal.

Deida further suggested that the ’spark’ between a man and a woman depended upon the difference between them. Deida didn’t use percentages, but I will for the sake of illustration. For example, a man who was 75% masculine would be most attracted to a woman who was 75% feminine. While there is a fairly broad range of attraction, say a 75% masculine might find women in the 65-85% range attractive, people who are too close will lack a spark, or sexual chemistry.

This means that a heterosexual man who tended toward the feminine would be most attracted to a woman who tended toward the masculine in character. It also means that if a man is around the middle, he is going to be most attracted to a woman around the centre of the scale – and there isn’t going to be big sexual chemistry between them.

And here is where a big problem lies in our modern society. Many men behave in feminine ways in relationships while many women behave in masculine ways, especially at work, and this often carries over to relationships. This, sadly, kills the spark. Recall the Craigslist article; the woman wanted to be feminine and be ravished, but was frustrated because so many men behaved more like women in the bedroom.

Resources for this post

Here are some of the things that worked for me to develop more confidence with women. Online dating services like Match and lavalife will get you in front of a lot of women, but speed-dating is better.
David DeAngelo (the uppermost banner) offers an eBook that was very helpful to me and I recommend it highly. He also had CDs; I sold mine on eBay and am not sure if he offers them any more; search Double Your Dating. DeAngelo also offers a free newsletter with lots of great tips; click the upper banner to subscribe; you don’t have to buy anything.