Well. Time to eat some crow.

A couple of weeks ago I slagged Lana (and fellow NDP MLA John Horgan) for standing in the way of what we really need, which is rapid and decisive action on climate change and peak oil. Their party will, in fact, contribute to both climate change and our dependence upon oil by continuing to subsidize it.

That said, it is pointless, unfair, and ungentlemanly to harshly criticize well-meaning people who are trying to do their best in our broken system. Lana and John, both of whom I know personally though not well, are good people. I don’t agree with everything they do; I think subsidizing oil and gas is shortsighted and foolish.

But.

And it’s a very large but.

Our political system is broken. I have written as much elsewhere, and will do so again in my forthcoming book, The Way Home. (Tentatively subtitled: You Can’t Get There from Here, or, what you should be doing to protect yourself and your family against the coming economic, environmental, and social collapse. Cheery, no?)

I wish she would follow-through on some very important promises; at one point, she had asked Guy Dauncey and me to serve on an advisory group to help her with environmental issues. That never happened, and we could have been of some help. As an almost trivial example, Lana was “named “runner up” as Community Leader in the annual CFAX awards for her campaign to replace disposable plastic bags with reusable ones.” (Almost amusing, considering CFAX leans heavily toward climate change denial.) Had I been advising her, I would have suggested that instead all bags should be compostable. What’s the point in replacing disposable bags with ones that last longer but still ultimately end up in the landfill? That still sounds like disposable to me.

Had I been offering suggestions, I would have suggested that someone in the government go talk to companies that make compostable products and ask them if they would locate a plant in BC if a law were passed requiring all ‘disposable’ bags to be compostable. I bet they would. It’s a guaranteed market.

I digress.

The point is, why am I being so hard on a well-meaning person who is doing her best within a broken system? Lana understands the danger of climate change. She is, I have no doubt, working hard within our system, which includes that of her party, to do the right thing.

It is unlikely to be enough. Ideally, all the well-meaning people who ‘get it’ would go on ’strike, a la Atlas Shrugged.* If only all the Lana Pophams and John Horgans (and Brian Gordons) would go on strike, would refuse to serve a corrupt political system, surely the masses would be forced to confront reality, would rebel against the self-serving crooks who largely populate our political landscape, and finally start selecting people of wisdom over those of substance….

It is an idle and ridiculous dream at this point, and as someone committed to embracing reality, I must apologize to Ms. Popham (and Mr. Horgan). If Lana stepped aside, someone would rush to fill her place, likely someone much less worthy. I would infinitely rather have Lana as my MLA than that person.

I accused Lana of being an obstacle to the change that is necessary. That was unfair. In an ideal world, she would be. But we don’t live in an ideal world. All the wise people who ‘get it’ are not going to go on strike and force a confrontation with reality. We can’t even get it together enough to speak with one voice, never mind actually act in concert for the good of humanity and the planet.

So, all this said, I am glad that Lana is my MLA, and I apologize to her, publicly, for my harsh words.  Do I think her party, if elected, will do what is necessary to at least mitigate some of the coming damage due to climate change and peak oil? Sadly, no. But Lana is doing her best within a broken system, and I can hardly ask for more.

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* For those who have not plodded through Ayn Rand’s opus, the premise is that those who actually do positive things go on strike. In Rand’s view, these people are people like steel and railroad magnates.

Those of you who follow me know that I have recently ceased making posts urging large-scale reform. The reasons for that are fairly simple, but they involve a psychological hurdle to get over.

I have been communicating with James Howard Kunstler, John Michael Greer, and David Holmgren, all of whom I have interviewed, about a Wise Action Plan. The goal was for us to agree on this Plan and then publicly pronounce it in an effort to get some sensible action on peak oil and climate change. Initially, I urged a response that included a revitalization of rail, large-scale wind or solar farms, and other actions that require the federal government to take a strong leadership role.

While the others generally agreed such actions would be a good idea, especially if they have been started 20 or more years ago, two of the three thought they were a waste of time. They had two reasons for this:

1. It’s too late. We needed to be getting off oil while we still had a surplus. Now that we’ve hit peak oil, diverting any oil to build solar panels means there is less for cars or crops.
2. They ain’t gonna. What politician is going to do that, barring an emergency situation? (Emergency is here defined as rioting, fuel rationing, or other severe measures.)

To be fair to our politicians, it’s hard to get elected telling people their lifestyle is going to change drastically, including many of them giving up their cars. The problem is partly cultural; we want what we want, and we’re going to keep electing politicians who give it to us until that is no longer possible.

And to be brutally honest, most of us have bought into the idea of unending growth and improvement, that the market will find solutions to concerns like oil depletion, and that if it were really that bad, somebody would do something.

At that point, we will be well into the emergency.

It has been difficult for me to give up on the idea of leadership from above. I ran federally as a Green Party of Canada candidate last go-round, but wouldn’t do it again. Even in the fantastic unlikelihood that the Greens got a majority next election, they could not do what needs to be done. Still too many people will resist change, and this resistance will be encouraged and financed – by vested interests.

Think Globally, Act Locally

As a result, I’ve gone local. Leadership is going to have to come from the grassroots, from us, from those who understand the reality and are willing to take some action. I believe that every village, town, city, and region should create a Transition Initiative to get off oil.

This is acting locally, and it is vitally important for your survival. Local resilience is ‘in,’ and for good reason. When oil prices go up, imports of everything – including food – are going to get more expensive and harder to get. If you’re already shopping at the farmer’s market, for example, you have helped support a local farmer who will now support you as options in the supermarkets get scarcer and pricier.

This is my new Wise Action Plan:

1. Start or join a Transition Initiative in your area.
2. Reskill.
3. Develop personal self-reliance, which includes everything from starting a garden to insulating your house.

If we’re lucky and good, these local movements will take off, multiply like viruses, and infect the planet. These local movements will bond together and require their governments to do the right thing – to protect us. They will do this not by lobbying or influence-peddling, but by sheer strength of numbers.

Apologies for recent infrequent posting. I’ve been working mainly on two things:

1. That “Get a free house idea” mentioned in a previous post. I may have an opportunity to be a developer/builder, which would get me that mortgage-free solar house.
2. The Way Home book and presentation. The presentation is in the works for April at the University of Victoria, and New Society Publishers (many of which books should be on your reading list) wants to see the manuscript for the book.

These two things have been consuming much of my time! I will be back soon; first article up will likely be on why what was previously considered a middle class lifestyle is now not possible for most people.

Brian

Note: All of the topics below and many more will be greatly expanded upon in the soon-to-be-released ebooks:

• Suggestions for Unattached Men
• On Becoming a Man

To be released as a set.

There are three previous articles in this set. If you liked this one, you’ll probably also want to read:

1. Suggestions for Unattached Men
2. Suggestions for Unattached Men II – Getting Lots of Dates and Flirting
3. Suggestions for Unattached Men III – First dates

Wussiness

Do NOT turn into a wuss on the first or any subsequent date, or even once married. (That is one important thing I have learned so far about marriage.)

The prime example of wuss behaviour? Not having an opinion. Women hate when a man says, “I don’t know, what do you want to do?” They hate it. You will lose major points, meaning the woman’s attraction to you will go down. In fact, women are not keen on any expression that amounts to “I dunno.” How often did John Wayne say that? Never. If he didn’t know, he planned to find out or he didn’t care – and he had a good reason for not caring. If you don’t know who John Wayne was, think about strong males. At no point does a real man say “I dunno.” Women look for confidence and ambition; “I dunno” expresses neither.

If you really don’t know and don’t have an answer, then start asking questions. Ask her why she wants to know that. Ask yourself questions out loud if you have to, for example: “Hmm, I feel like vegetarian tonight, but I’ve been wanting to try that new seafood place, too….” Allow a moment and she may jump in with an idea – but don’t necessarily drop yours. If you were feeling like vegetarian, why would you suddenly agree to go to a steakhouse because she wants to…unless you’re a wuss?

In my first Suggestions for Unattached Men article I said that women are always testing. If you say veg she may well say steak because she wants to see how firm you are, so to speak. If you constantly cave to what she wants, she won’t think you’re much of a man.

I also used vegetarian food as an example for a couple of reasons. First, it’s not what most women would expect a man to say, so you earn bonus points for being original. Second, as I hope you have noticed, this blog is primarily about climate change, peak oil, and living sustainably. I only write these articles for single men because the first one became wildly popular, so I figure there is a need – and the world needs more and more confident men. One way to show your confidence is to have courage in your convictions, and a great way to do that is to takes dates to vegetarian restaurants, believe it or not. Any ‘real man’ can take a woman to a steakhouse or an Italian restaurant or to a rib joint; how many have the courage to take her to a (good) vegetarian restaurant because you’re trying to lighten your load on the planet?

Sex and wussiness

In that first article I linked to a Craigslist post that illustrates the plague of wussy men who populate our post-modern society. Women want men to show initiative, to take the initiative, in many regards, including sex. Don’t apologise for being a man.

Remember I mentioned earlier that all men will occasionally do something sexually inappropriate? Do NOT apologise for that. Laugh it off. Respect her; if she didn’t like it don’t do it again (immediately, anyway). But don’t let her tell you how a man ’should’ behave or you will cease to be seen as much of a man by her.

Back to sex: Yes, you will have to take the initiative. Read that Craigslist post again. If she has given you signals and you do not go for it, she’s going to be frustrated and feel rejected. And that will not do your chances for sex or a relationship much good. You are almost always better to try too much, too soon than to be too ‘respectful.’ For god’s sake, don’t ask if you can make love to her.

If you end up on the sofa, if she’s playing with her hair, if she’s touched you, if she’s given you a view of her cleavage, if she’s sitting close, kiss her! Tongue will be involved, perhaps not instantly but shortly. If that is working out well, your hands need to start wandering. Don’t worry, she will stop you if you’ve miscalculated. It certainly won’t be the end of the world if you do, and you certainly better not apologise. You’re a man. If you’re with a woman you like in ‘that way’ and she lets you, sex will occur.

Some final notes: ED

Aka, erectile dysfunction. It happens. The older you get, the more likely it is to happen. The less you are attracted to a woman, the more likely. The more alcohol you’ve had…many things can cause it. Sometimes it’s a signal that you shouldn’t go there with this person. Don’t apologise for it; there are lots of other ways to have fun in bed and if she can only be happy with that one method, she has her own hang-ups.

Various drugs help, but a lack of arousal or tension will defeat them. And you don’t want to be popping pills to have sex with a woman that your body is trying to tell you that you shouldn’t be.

Bitchiness

It seems very unfair to a  man, but women are very much What have you done for me lately? That’s why you can be a prince all day and she’s totally into you and you can tell good things are going to happen tonight – and then one little thing changes everything; it might not even have been you.

This is because women run much more on emotion than men. The upside of this is that you can often turn this around equally quickly as long as you don’t get all emotional and take it personally. Call her on it – not in a nasty way, but a “Hey, we were great today” way and she may well turn around and be right back to being nice.

At the same time, all those princely behaviours do store up some brownie points, making it more likely she’ll stay with you if you do something really stupid.

All women will say shitty things to their man at times. Quite likely you will also say or do some things that aren’t nice too, that aren’t the way you want to treat someone you care about. Apologise when you do, and call her on it when she does it to you. However, there are some women who have ‘issues.’ They have fears, they’re exceptionally selfish, whatever; do not put up with being treated badly except very rarely. Call her on it, but if she doesn’t change then walk away as soon as it becomes clear she’s not going to treat you well.

Details

There is a word in Spanish, “detallista,” which when applied to a man by a woman means a man who pays attention to details, and is a compliment. (This is at least true in Colombia, where my wife is from.) It means various sorts of details, from doing a good job ironing your shirt to remembering her favourite restaurant.

If you are a detallista, you will set yourself apart. This does not mean fawning over a woman, or putting her foremost in your life. (By-the-way, as a man your mission in life will be more important than your woman. She will not like this, but will also not respect you if your world revolves around her. See David Deida’s excellent The Way of the Superior Man for a fuller explanation of masculinity. The wisdom in that book changed my life.)

Remembering small things that are important to her go a long way.

Physical appearance

Not hers, yours. As men, we all know that a woman’s appearance matters to us (and to them; this is why, when she puts out a special effort to dress up, you will make her day by admiring her). 

While physical appearance is less important to women, they do like a man who takes care of his appearance; it shows you care about yourself. I once belonged to a forum for shy people, as I was once shy. On that forum was a young man complaining he wasn’t getting anywhere with the ladies. He also revealed that he wore a fanny pack everywhere. A bunch of us advised him to ditch it, and he just would not. In his view, it was very practical and women “shouldn’t” judge him for wearing one. In our view, and likely that of the women, he looked like a socially-clueless dork.

You don’t have to look like you just walked off a GQ fashion shoot. (I linked to Amazon in case you want to subscribe, get more details, see reader ratings, and so on. I don’t subscribe.) You do have to look like you care about your appearance and your health, and that you recognise that clothes do make the man to a certain extent. Just as men prefer women who are not fat, women prefer men who take care of themselves. If you don’t take care of yourself, how are you going to take care of her? And, despite what you may have heard, few women want a ‘project.’ Every woman wants a man she can be proud of.

The best resource I have found for physical appearance is Men’s Health. I subscribed for years and found it very helpful for everything from clothing tips to diet advice to words of wisdom about women. (I am pretty sure it was in Men’s Health that I read about the guy who had figured out that failure to get an erection was sometimes a signal not to go there with this woman.)

Balancing being a man with being with a woman

Men and women are quite different; you may have noticed. Whole books have been written on the subject, and after reading many of them plus some not inconsiderable experience, I still find women maddening and puzzling at times. However, here’s something else I have discovered: most women also find themselves puzzling at times. They know they have emotions that sometimes make no sense, especially at that time each month. C’est la vie.

Given this, don’t take everything your woman says or does personally. Sometimes she will have fabulous advice for you. Sometimes this advice will be expressed in ways that infuriate you. Use your masculine rationality to reason through what she told you, no matter how expressed, and learn the lesson.

On another note, do things because you agree they are important. If you don’t want to do something but do for her sake, it’s OK she knows that – and it’s important you then make the best of it – don’t ruin it for her with guilt. If she drags you to a movie she really-really-really wants to see, you don’t have to pretend to like it, but you damn sure shouldn’t spoil her good time. Let her gush and swoon. Ask her what she liked about it. Try and find something you liked about it. Don’t be a baby and sulk the whole time

A final word: On masculinity, femininity and homosexuality

David Deida had a fascinating concept of masculinity and femininity that is worth thinking about. (You’ll have to read his book to understand fully what he meant by masculine and feminine. I went into it a bit in the first Suggestions for Unattached Men article.)

Visualise a continuum with masculinity on one end and femininity on the other. Now:

• Most heterosexual men are toward the masculine end
• Most heterosexual women are toward the feminine end
• Some heterosexual men are more feminine
• Some heterosexual women are more masculine
• Most, but by no means all, homosexual men are more feminine
• Most, but by no means all, homosexual woman are more masculine

Thus we get our stereotypes of gay men and women, and the common but dangerous assumption that a feminine man is gay and a ‘butch’ woman is lesbian.

We also tend to assume that a man is more of a man the more masculine he is, but this is incorrect. Excessive masculinity in men is a problem, an extreme, an imbalance, just as is excessive femininity in women. There is a wide range of what’s ‘normal’ and, more importantly, functional, and the extremes at either end are neither. You can be a feminine man and be perfectly normal.

Deida further suggested that the ’spark’ between a man and a woman depended upon the difference between them. Deida didn’t use percentages, but I will for the sake of illustration. For example, a man who was 75% masculine would be most attracted to a woman who was 75% feminine. While there is a fairly broad range of attraction, say a 75% masculine might find women in the 65-85% range attractive, people who are too close will lack a spark, or sexual chemistry.

This means that a heterosexual man who tended toward the feminine would be most attracted to a woman who tended toward the masculine in character. It also means that if a man is around the middle, he is going to be most attracted to a woman around the centre of the scale – and there isn’t going to be big sexual chemistry between them.

And here is where a big problem lies in our modern society. Many men behave in feminine ways in relationships while many women behave in masculine ways, especially at work, and this often carries over to relationships. This, sadly, kills the spark. Recall the Craigslist article; the woman wanted to be feminine and be ravished, but was frustrated because so many men behaved more like women in the bedroom.

Resources for this post

Here are some of the things that worked for me to develop more confidence with women. Online dating services like Match and lavalife will get you in front of a lot of women, but speed-dating is better.
David DeAngelo (the uppermost banner) offers an eBook that was very helpful to me and I recommend it highly. He also had CDs; I sold mine on eBay and am not sure if he offers them any more; search Double Your Dating. DeAngelo also offers a free newsletter with lots of great tips; click the upper banner to subscribe; you don’t have to buy anything.

I can’t take you past dating, as I am on my third marriage and am working hard to figure out how to do that properly. I have a high level of confidence that should this marriage end I can go out and get plenty of dates, and it is on that basis that I provide this advice. I’m a pretty slow learner sometimes, but once I get something, I’ve got it. I’ve figured out the dating game, and very much hope that I have now learned enough about long-term relationships that all future dates are with my wife.

If you read my previous post, Suggestions for Unattached Men II – Getting Lots of Dates and Flirting, you should be in a position to get dates. Some of them won’t be actual dates, because you’ll just be out having fun with a woman, but you are evaluating whether you want it to turn into a date, or whether subsequent outings will be dates.

At this point, I need to make a distinction, and so do you. Divide women into two groups: women you want to have sex with and think you could have a relationship with and women you only want to have sex with. If you’re not thinking sexually about a woman, then perhaps you’re not really interested in her. Either that, or you have an idealised idea of a “pure” relationship and need to get over that or you’ll mess it up.

Women and sex

Some women will have sex with you with no expectations of an ongoing relationship. They are seeking a one-night stand. If that’s what you want, then knock yourself out. The arrival of reliable birth control and antibiotics ushered in the sexual revolution and enabled women to be much more sexually free than at any time in human history.

This last point is important, because it means that one-night stands run counter to about a million years of biological programming for women. There is some research that indicates that an emotional attachment occurs for women when they have sex, no doubt thanks to this programming. In days gone by, a woman would only willingly have sex with a man who was her partner. To do otherwise risked getting pregnant and subsequently being burdened with a child, and possibly shunned by the community.

Remember this: Women are wired to seek security; men are wired to seek fertility.

Thus I warn you that you may be playing with fire by having random sex. It is ‘natural’ for a man to want to spread his seed widely; there is even evidence that sperm are adapted to kill off the sperm of other men if encountered inside a woman. It is also ‘natural’ for a woman to only have sex with a man when she is confident that she and any resulting offspring will be well-provided for. That doesn’t necessarily mean you are the provider; it could be her husband. In the first case, the woman may develop an attachment to you. In the second, her husband may come after you.

If you just want sex, then you’re not really dating, as to most people dating comes with the expectation that at least there is the potential for a long-term relationship. If you just want sex, then amp up the sexually-oriented flirting. The woman will bite, or not. In the latter case, you move on quickly. In the former, she’ll be flirting back in sexual ways, like meeting your gaze, playing with her hair, getting closer, emphasizing her body (pushing her breasts out), and making innuendos. Have a good time.

Women and dating

This article is really more about dating than one-night stands. The DeAngelo material mentioned in the previous posts and at the bottom of this one does go into ‘getting laid’ in some depth. But from this point forward, I’m going to assume you are interested in a woman and want to see where things go. You may not have any desire to marry her; you may have no long-term plans with her. But you do like her and find her attractive, and at least want to go out with her and see where it goes.

This brings up another point that many men have a hard time with: being exclusive, meaning you date only each other. Only do this if she has stated she is exclusive and you’re getting all the physical attention you want. If you have yet to have sex, you are foolish to commit to exclusivity.

But let’s say you’ve gone out on a non-date, as described in Suggestions for Unattached Men II – Getting Lots of Dates and Flirting. You’ve decided you like her enough to go on a real date. The difference between a real date and a non-date is the following:

• You both consider it a date
• You’re out alone together
• You are going to get physically intimate at some point(s) during the date

Let’s go through these one at a time.

If only one of you considers it a date, it is not a date. It is awkward, and there is the potential for hurt feelings. How do you know if she considers it a date? As the man, it is your job to make clear that you consider it a date, and not by inviting her to a chick flick and showing up on her doorstep with flowers. Those indicate date intentions on your part, not hers, and they are boring and predictable.

Of course, if you invite her to go skydiving or to a party, it could just be a friendly activity, so you need to pick something that is date-like. Women, you may be aware, love romance. If your outing involves cuddling in a blanket watching a beautiful sunset, that’s a date.

Turning non-dates into dates

You can turn a non-date into a date fairly easily simply by getting more intimate. There is no need to do this on the first non-date, by-the-way. Women love intrigue and a man of some mystery – meaning she can’t quite figure you out – so there’s no need to rush. As long as you’re flirting throughout the date, and especially if you add a bit of physical intimacy, she won’t put you in the ‘friend’ category. But let’s say on the second or third non-date outing you’re quite liking her and you’re sensing she likes you.

[Note: shy guys often have a hell of a time determining whether or not a woman likes them. The best advice I ever received and have since confirmed for myself to be true is this: If you think a woman might possibly be sending you positive signals, she almost certainly is. Men are generally nowhere near as tuned in to subtlety as women, so what seems vague and unclear to you, she may consider blindingly obvious and forward. This is why you should pay attention when women say things like, "I've heard that new restaurant is good." To you, her statement means just that. What she is actually saying is that she would like to go to that restaurant. **Second note: If you want to set yourself apart, don't immediately propose that you go to the aforementioned restaurant. Instead, say something vague like you've heard the same thing, and file away the name of the place. Then on a future date make the destination a surprise - and make it that restaurant.]

Back to the chase. To get more intimate means to get more physically intimate, not to start crying because your dog died when you were a kid. If you are unsure if she’s into you in ‘that way,’ then a good way to test is to get more physically intimate. Move closer to her. Touch her arm, face, or hair. Lean in and whisper something, and let your face touch her hair. Make eye contact.

Now, does she reciprocate? Of course, if she initiated the physical contact, you already know. But if you were the initiator, how does she respond? If she leans away when you lean in or sit closer, she’s probably not interested in you in ‘that way.’ If she is into you, she will at least not move away when you move in. More likely she will signal you subtly by reciprocating – perhaps not immediately; she may not want to seem too forward or for things to move too fast just yet. She will touch you back, she will brush against you, she will put her hand on you when you lean in, she will lean forward and give you a good view of her cleavage, she’ll ‘make eyes’ at you, and so on.

The point is that if physical contact is reciprocated, it’s now a date.

Up the ante

Let’s say you’ve done some of this and she has reciprocated. What’s next? You can make it official by holding her hand or putting your arm around her. This works if you’re out walking or sitting in a theatre, not so much if there’s physical distance between you, like a restaurant table. In that case, wait until the obstacle is gone; don’t stretch. Stick to eye contact and verbal flirting until then.

Do not worry about moving too fast. After my second divorce, I decided I needed some help and read some excellent books by marriage counsellors. (That’s also when I got into the Deida and DeAngelo stuff.) One of them said something like, “All men occasionally make ‘inappropriate’ sexual moves.” (I can personally confirm this is true.) If you are in a relationship, at some point you will grab a breast or a buttock when she doesn’t want you to. She may respond with anything from a dirty look to a lecture to a slap; don’t take it personally. In fact, laugh and tell her you find her irresistible. She’ll probably roll her eyes, but no damage has been done; the opposite, in fact.

Do not caress her breast on a date, tempting as it may be. That is too sexual too quickly, and women rarely want to be seen as sex toys in public. What I mean by “moving too fast” is simply not being afraid to try to be more physically intimate. Watch for reciprocation! If you put your arm around her and she shrinks away, wait a bit and take your arm away – and don’t do it again until she does something physical to you. If she never does, it wasn’t a date or she has serious hang-ups about minor physical intimacy. Either way, move on.

If she responds positively to your initial approaches, try more. If she was OK with you touching her arm, admire her earrings by moving her hair back and gently holding her earlobe. Don’t spend a lot of time on the earring or it will get awkward. If she lets you get that close, she probably really likes you. If she acts all shy, if her cheeks flush, if she gets flustered, she likes you.

A note here: Don’t hold physical intimacy too long, whether it’s an earlobe, a kiss, or a simply holding hands. A good rule with women is to leave them wanting more. Men often don’t get this because we tend to be so much more direct. Women prefer a build-up, some suspense, some mystery about where you’re going with her.

The first kiss

At some point in a date, there has to be a kiss or at least an attempt at a kiss, and you should initiate it. Generally speaking, women prefer men to make the overtures to intimacy; no doubt this is due to biological and social programming.

Do not wait until the end of the date to go for a kiss. That is predictable and leads to a lot of tension for you. Instead, wait for an intimate moment – after you have already done some physically intimate things that have been reciprocated, and just go for it. Don’t put your tongue down her throat; don’t even do an open-mouthed kiss necessarily. Remember, women like a build-up.

There are lots of ways to do this; let me give two examples.

• You’re standing close, perhaps holding hands or with your arm around her. The moment feels a bit intimate. Face her, put your hand on the back of her neck, and kiss her briefly with soft lips. Don’t pull her body close, don’t open your mouth (unless she opens hers, then you have to), and and don’t hold the kiss. Do close your eyes. Make it short and sweet and tender. Then pull back, look her in the eyes, and return to standing with your arm around her. If she doesn’t snuggle in, she’s not into you and you misjudged. More likely she will get closer, put her arm around you, toss her hair in a satisfied way, or something similar.
• You’re walking or talking, you sense the chemistry is great, and you just stop (walking or talking), grab her shoulders or head, and smooch her. Same as above: close your eyes and lips, don’t hold it long. Then push her back, still holding her, smile a mischievous smile, and carry on talking or walking, but now holding her hand. Again, there should be some indication that she liked it. Flushed cheeks, a smile, suddenly shy, bumping into you, something will indicate she liked it and likes you.

Do not take personally if she does not immediately reciprocate, because it is very common that women do not want to appear too forward. They are afraid that you will take reciprocation as a sign to go further, and she may want to slow you down a bit, or at least keep it to this level on this date. Or she may be right into it and off you go. Either way, as long as she gives you some signals that she still likes you, you’re golden. She may take the initiative to hold your hand, may snuggle close, etc.

Congratulations!

Whether it goes brilliantly or disastrously or somewhere between, you’ve just dated a woman. You tried new things, you initiated, you built your confidence. Practice makes perfect, so whether you continue to see this woman or move on to others, keep initiating, keep showing confidence, keep being a man.

I’ll have more on this last point in my next Suggestions post, which will likely be the last. This blog is supposed to be about greening the economy, climate change, peak oil, and so forth, but these articles have proven to be quite popular, so there is clearly a need. And we desperately need men to start stepping up and confronting reality; we need men willing to speak the truth and do what is right. Perhaps it starts with men being more like men when it comes to dating.

Resources for this post

Here are some of the things that worked for me to develop more confidence with women. Online dating services like Match and lavalife will get you in front of a lot of women, but speed-dating is better.
David DeAngelo (the uppermost banner) offers an eBook that was very helpful to me and I recommend it highly. He also had CDs; I sold mine on eBay and am not sure if he offers them any more; search Double Your Dating. DeAngelo also offers a free newsletter with lots of great tips; click the upper banner to subscribe; you don’t have to buy anything.

I normally write about climate change, peak oil, sustainability, and so on, but occasionally I write a personal post. Suggestions for Unattached Men was one such, and it quickly climbed into the list of Popular Posts, so I thought some more detailed suggestions might be welcomed. Here they are.

First, I am now married. Second, I was never a ‘ladies man,’ but I did ok. I also did a lot of research on improving my confidence and success with women – and I put that research into practice. I’ve recommended some books at the end of this post; buy them, borrow them, but read them. The most important part is doing.

What you do depends upon where you are, confidence-wise, with the ladies. My goals were:

• Get to a point where I could talk to any woman confidently
• Go out with those women out I found appealing

That’s it. Once you get to that level, you have no problem getting dates and girlfriends, although keeping them is more complicated. (See Suggestions for Unattached Men for, well, suggestions, and for insights into the female psyche.)

Building confidence

How do you get lots of dates? You ask women out, or get them to ask  you out. To be able to do that, you need self-confidence. The best way to build self-confidence is to do repeated actions that build it. Many men try once or twice and give up; you’ll be lucky to get anywhere that way, and will likely sabotage yourself later if you do.

Here are some suggestions for building confidence with women.

Speed dating

Speed dating is a great way to meet lots of women and build confidence. Here’s how it works: There are 20 tables, 20 men, and 20 women. One gender sits at the tables while the other gender rotates through, 3 minutes each. Each person fills out an anonymous card indicating the people s/he is interested in meeting. The organisers email only mutual matches. There is also the opportunity for mingling pre and post.

Speed dating helped me in several key ways:

• The volume of women I talked to in a dating context was more than I had ever done previously
• When you talk to many women like that, you start to relax a little; one of the common fears is that of scarcity of women, and as you meet dozens of available women you start to realise this fear is unfounded
• I became more discriminating (and therefore appeared less desperate and more confident); most of the women I met I was not interested in seeing further for one reason or another
• Because you actually meet the woman, if you do end up on a date there are no surprises the way there can be with internet dating – where you’re going on often outdated photos and creative descriptions. I’ve met women who seemed a perfect match because of their online profile, but there was just no spark when we met
• Practice, practice, practice: speed dating got me comfortable talking with women, even flirting. I consciously ‘tried out’ new behaviours to gauge the response

I would encourage anyone to go speed dating before internet dating. It is actually easier in many ways, and much more useful. And don’t go just once; go to multiple events. Repeated behaviour is key to building confidence.

Internet dating

I used Match, Lavalife, Veggiedate, and some that I’ve forgotten. These services are ok, but I found there are some drawbacks.

• You’re online, not IRL (in real life), and that builds your ‘clever profile building’ and ‘online chat’ skills, neither of which translate well to actually interacting with a real woman
• Conventionally pretty women (and those who come across as sexually open) get deluged with responses; unless you’re one of her first responses, your chances are slim
• As mentioned earlier, I could not predict chemistry based on a profile or even phone conversations; I needed to meet the person to see if there was any spark that made it worth going further
• Some women also have ‘clever profile building’ skills, and you may be surprised when you meet them; no full-body photos usually indicate either the woman finds it demeaning (and therefore doesn’t understand how men work) or she’s…big boned

All this said, you can and I did get lots of dates this way. The sheer volume of single women on dating sites helps relieve anxiety over scarcity.

Video dating

I lived in the U.S. while single and joined a video dating service – for a few thousand dollars. (The cost for women, I later found out, could be negotiated down into the hundreds.) Video is a big improvement over photos in gauging how attractive you find the person. Here, I mean not simply physical attractiveness but also all those little things, like her laugh, facial expressions when talking, her voice, and countless other attributes that somehow add up to chemistry.

The only real drawback after cost is that, like internet dating, the most attractive women get swamped. I once asked why I was not receiving responses to many of my requests for dates (video dating services have counsellors to help you) and the problem is volume. Some women were getting dozens or even hundreds of requests for dates, so any individual’s chances were slim.

The video dating service did offer an ‘image consultant’ that I found quite valuable. Many of my clothing preferences dated from high school (and I was in my thirties at the time), and where men mentally undress women, women do the opposite. Women do judge you by your appearance to a certain extent, and if you look like you don’t care…. Men can hardly complain, as we do the same thing.

Non-dating

If your confidence is at the level where you can talk to women and have fun with them, a great next step is to ask them to accompany you places. With all the methods mentioned above, there is no doubt that you’re on a date, with all the expectations and pressure that brings. With non-dating, it’s just two people having fun.

Suppose, for example, that you meet a woman who seems fun or interesting (or both) at a party or some other social event. Rather than ask her out on a date, say something like, “Hey do you want to do X on Saturday?” where X is play frisbee in the park with you and your friends, go for a walk by the seaside, go to a climate change presentation – whatever you are interested in and were going to do anyway.

This is a great way to take the pressure off and to allow you to be in an environment you’re comfortable in. Do NOT bring her flowers, pay her way, or otherwise do datelike things. If it goes well, then you can suggest another outing or, even better, not. Instead, say you had a great time, see her response, and, assuming she also had a good time, say something vague like “We should get together again some time.” Period. If she seems enthusiastic, tell her you’ll give her a call and get her number.

You can only do this if you are fairly confident. If you are still petrified you’ll never meet another woman if you let this one get away, and she’s perfect, do not try this. You’ll blow it.

Playing the game

And here I must go into a topic most men hate. The truth is, dating is a game. You may not like it, and you don’t have to play, but you can’t score if you don’t play. As mentioned in Suggestions for Unattached Men, women are always testing. I’m sure it’s biological and they want to see if we’re up to the test; it’s not personal. Men who fawn over women, who come across as desperate, or who appear clueless are not going to be respected.

So how do you ‘play’ and win? Several key tips:

1. Flirt
2. Behave confidently

That’s it. The suggestion above for non-dating automatically makes you appear confident and non-desperate. Here’s another suggestion for appearing confident that I have used that drives women nuts – but in a good way: Don’t ask them out at the end of a date. Simply say something like, “I had a good time. Thanks very much. Goodnight.”

The purpose of doing this is not simply to appear confident, but to give you a chance to mull the date over and decide if you do want another. Most men automatically offer another date at the end of the first one; this is predictable and weak. Don’t do it. It takes guts, but especially if things have gone well the woman will be intrigued and possibly pissed. This is good. Women do not like predictable, boring, easily manipulated men.

How to flirt with women

Flirting is also much easier than you may think, but it may also take some practice before you’re good at it. The easiest way to flirt is to poke gentle fun at a woman. For example, if she asks you if you think she looks good in what she’s wearing (which means she’s flirting with and testing you), respond that it makes her butt look just a little big. Then ask if it really is. Then say you can only really comment if you see her naked. (NOTE: Only do this if she has a nice butt and is confident about it.)

Having just said this, make sure all your flirting does not have sexual connotations, and don’t say the ‘naked’ comment in a sexual way. Say it matter-of-factly, as if that’s just the way it is, or it’s your policy.

Or let’s say you are out on a dinner date; you could joke that really she should be paying you because you’re so wonderful. Or if she’s afraid of something, agree and exaggerate the fear. “OH MY GOD, A SPIDER! I’ll call 911!”

The keys to flirting are to have fun and to get some back-and-forth going. Treat it as a game, but don’t get hyper-competitive! It’s supposed to be fun, not win-lose. Don’t say things in a sarcastic or demeaning way. You don’t have to make it obvious you’re joking – in fact, flirting works better if she’s not quite sure – but you do want to be a decent guy. If you come across as an asshole, no self-confident woman will want to be around you for long.

For example, while it is OK to poke a little fun at her fear of spiders, it is assholish to mock her accomplishments. If she gets a promotion at work, or does something that obviously matters to her, then do the decent thing and congratulate her. If she completes a 10K run*, don’t diminish the accomplishment; praise it.

Practice makes good enough

You will make mistakes. That’s a natural part of learning new behaviours. You may be too sharp in your flirting and hurt the woman’s feelings. If so, apologise, but don’t overdo it. Of course you didn’t mean to hurt her; don’t let her manipulate the situation into making you feel guilty. Women are always testing, remember?

If you don’t try, you won’t get. Think of anything else you’re good at; even if you happen to have a natural talent for tennis or video games or whatever, you had to practice to get good at it. Flirting, asking women out, and dating are no different. Try, adjust, try again.

Good luck and best wishes. If I did it, you surely can too.

* Thanks to JH for pointing out that a 10K is not a marathon.

Resources for this post

Here are some of the things that worked for me to develop more confidence with women. Online dating services like Match and lavalife will get you in front of a lot of women, but speed-dating is better.
David DeAngelo (the uppermost banner) offers an eBook that was very helpful to me and I recommend it highly. He also had CDs; I sold mine on eBay and am not sure if he offers them any more; search Double Your Dating. DeAngelo also offers a free newsletter with lots of great tips; click the upper banner to subscribe.

(This article makes more sense if you read the first part: Why don’t more of us conserve more? I’m looking at you…and myself.)

Given the challenges we face – climate change, peak oil, etc – why don’t I reduce my lifestyle further, even below that of ‘developed world middle class’? Why shouldn’t everyone who calls him or herself ‘environmentally aware?’

• I am not saying I am entitled to this lifestyle, only that I have it, it’s good, and it would be foolish to give it up unless forced;

BECAUSE

• It is possible to create a middle class lifestyle that is carbon-neutral, sustainable, doesn’t exploit people, and so on;

BUT

• We allowed corrupt people to take advantage of imperfect systems to make doing the right thing very difficult and expensive.

The best known way to get people to behave according to social norms is – peer pressure. I’m working hard to push us over the tipping point where it is normal to conserve, normal to live within your ecological means, and shameful to waste.

Whether I succeed or fail in creating this, some of my journey must on roads rather than rails. Solar houses are not commonly built, so I must build my own, and in the meantime I will endeavour to live in comfortable, but not excessive, surroundings. 

A New Definition of Middle Class

I should make clear that I define ‘middle class’ as a standard of living, not a collection of things, but to make it simple, middle class means to me:

• Owning your own home (or renting if preferred)
• A home that is largely passively solar heated, maximum size 200 square metres (~2,150 square feet), durable (built to last 1,000 years), beautiful, and comfortable
• No need for a car
• The ability to buy necessities like food, clothing, and furniture as needed
• Working an average of four days per week, 9 months per year

To me, middle class means freedom from fear of doing without the essentials of life like food, shelter, clothing, and so on. Note I include much more time off than we currently get, but not necessarily the ability to jet around the world on tropical vacations. Middle class means you can buy what you need, you have savings, you have security; to be poor is to lack all of these. (To be rich is to have much more than you need for security; to have excess.)

Note that my definition of middle class does not include a McMansion in the suburbs and SUVs for each driver. I also make no mention of electronic geegaws, although if you can afford furniture comfortably, then there’s no reason you wouldn’t be able to buy some of them.

Some will argue that houses should be considerably smaller, but I disagree. This is a lesson from Colombia, where my wife is from. Houses and apartments there commonly have three or four bedrooms, two-and-a-half bathrooms, and are decently spacious. Small houses work well for small families, but extended families need more space. Houses should have room for grandparents, visiting relatives, even boarders.

What Could Have Been

This level of middle class was readily achievable during the age of oil. It will be more difficult in a time of declining oil supplies and rising concerns about the damage we’ve done to the ecology, but it is still possible. There are houses that are close to sustainable and will last for hundreds of years. Had we been building these since, say, the 1970s when scientists sounded the first serious warnings about environmental damage and limited resources, most of our buildings would be now be good for another several hundred years. That relieves a huge burden – and means much less work in the building trades.

Eliminate our disposable society and we eliminate much waste – and many jobs. If few cars are required and houses last essentially forever, the four-day work week is well within reach.

We need to change how we live and I am willing to do so – I see the necessity, and I can see how the world could be better in many ways. I know the fault is as much with the crooks who have corrupted our system as with the meek remainder who let them, even willingly ignored inconvenient contradictory evidence because we gained some benefit ourselves.

It would be stupid for me to live as a peasant unless I have to. Which, if we don’t do something about peak oil, becomes a distinct possibility. And there’s the predicament. Due to circumstances beyond my control, my lifestyle and quite possibly life expectancy are about to be greatly curtailed. Therefore, I must learn to control circumstances.

Many of us realise the nature of the threat posed by climate change, peak oil, peak everything else, fisheries collapse, ocean acidification, desertification…the list is getting longer, especially recently.¹ Even if you don’t know about all of these dangers, you know enough about one or two to know that one or two is enough to do us in. Yet many people still live lifestyles they know to be wildly unsustainable, even actively harmful. Why?

This is not the place for a detailed discussion of each of the threats previously mentioned. I am going to assume that, if you are reading this, you accept that we face at least one very severe threat that will cause great harm. There will be damage to individual and social prosperity, the economy at large, health, our standard of living, and so on. If unchecked, it has the potential to set civilisation and population back considerably. There may be differences over timeline, level of awareness, beliefs about our ability to adapt, and so forth, but we all accept that we face a severe threat. There are millions of people who accept this about climate change and/or peak oil, and/or other environmental concerns and/or etc.

And yet you still drive?

I still drive. I am very aware of the extent of many of these dangers, and how driving is contributing to making them worse. I know carbon emitted by me² indirectly contributed to the drying up of Lake Chad, which resulted in millions being driven from their lands into other, already crowded lands…and a genocide ensued. I know that any carbon emitted by me is contributing to sea level rise that will drown parts of Delta, BC, just across from my home of Victoria.

And yet I still drive, and so do many millions of ‘ecoaware’ people. How can I live with myself?

Here are my reasons:

• I live in a car-based society. I would prefer to live in a walkable community, but those are exceptionally rare. I am working to create one, however.
• If we greened our economy, then living green would be no sacrifice. However, we don’t, so if I want to go green I have to do without things, like jobs I can only take if I have a car, and do other things I really don’t want to do, like carry the groceries home. (If the economy was green I’d be walking to work or taking an electric train or working from home.  The train would stop inside a station in the mall, instead of across the parking lot. And grocery stores would deliver – most do for free now – or I’d get a cart of some sort to haul the occasional heavy load home.)
• Any individual contribution is lost as the rich fly to Paris for Valentine’s Day. Without all of us going green, we’re done. I’m willing to go much deeper green than I am, but not if I’m the only one.

All for one, or none for all

That is our current situation. There are a lot of people unwilling to change, never mind sacrifice. I know that unless they do, we’re all done. But until then, I have to live in this society, and I can’t always get the locally-grown organic wine. Sometimes it’s the cheap stuff.

It’s partly a trade-off, in that it takes more time and money to live green than otherwise, and that means other things don’t get done. In my case, I need time to write this blog and do other things that I consider important in creating a social tipping point, after which we ‘get it’ and go green fast. If the choice is between darning socks and giving a presentation on climate change, I will choose the latter.

I am working to change the example I live and the mainstream view. I am doing this both to give myself the greatest security and because it’s the right thing. We should not be destroying the planet or ignoring reality because it’s convenient and temporarily profitable to do so. Those are inadequate justifications for destroying our natural capital.

And because most people are not changing, there will be consequences. I am working on building a passive solar home, for example, which is the right way to build and the best way to protect myself and my family from some of the consequences of our collective inaction on climate and peak oil.

Are those who sacrifice more, more moral? I suppose the Bible would say so, while the preachers for many of the largest U.S. ‘Christian’ churches, and the vast majority of CEOs, politicians and economists, would say no. My money’s on the Bible in the case, up to a point. So why don’t I sacrifice more? I believe that people are both selfish and selfless, that each is ‘right,’ and that the good life requires balancing the two.

In a world of want, you could reduce yourself to a very impoverished level as you sacrificed as much as possible to be the most moral. Or, you could enrich yourself somehow now and give money to charity later. I prefer taking care of myself so I can help others – and taking care of myself does not require tens of millions of dollars.

Ultimately, it comes down to one’s personal morality, including how willing you are to live with dissonance between morality and action. For me, I do not believe it is more moral for me to sacrifice below the point of a middle class standard of living.

*****************************************

¹I would also add the corruption of many democracies, in particular that of the U.S., is a great threat to Americans and possibly the rest of us, but the article is about conservation or lack thereof.

² To the nimrods: Yes, I know that I exhale CO2 and yes, I realise that my demise would end this, and no, I am not proposing any should die to reduce CO2 (and other greenhouse gas) emissions. I am saying people will die if we do not reduce non-carbon-neutral processes.

Suggested books if you want to learn more

The books below discuss in much more detail some of the ideas mentioned in this post.

The first book (from left-to-right) is Plenty: Eating Locally on the 100-Mile Diet – something the authors found a tremendous challenge. And they live in Vancouver, where far more can be grown than anywhere else in the country. They found certain foods were simply no longer available. Here’s a telling quote from the book:

Call me naive, but I never knew that flour would be struck from our 100-Mile Diet. Wheat products are just so ubiquitous, “the staff of life,” that I had hazily imagined the stuff must be grown everywhere. But of course: I had never seen a field of wheat anywhere close to Vancouver, and my mental images of late-afternoon light falling on golden fields of grain were all from my childhood on the Canadian prairies. What I was able to find was Anita’s Organic Grain & Flour Mill, about 60 miles up the Fraser River valley. I called, and learned that Anita’s nearest grain suppliers were at least 800 miles away by road. She sounded sorry for me. Would it be a year until I tasted a pie?

The next book is James Howard Kunstler’s The Long Emergency: Surviving the End of Oil, Climate Change, and Other Converging Catastrophes of the Twenty-First Century. Kunstler explains why peak oil is imminent and a problem.

The next two books are growing your own vegetables year-round in a solar greenhouse, something we might all want to look into. The second also has “recipes for soaps, teas and things like that which can be made from greenhouse-grown items” which sounds fun.

In a complete departure from my usual peak oil/climate change/collapse posts, I would like to digress into romance – which, believe it or not, ties indirectly into the problems just mentioned. This post is aimed at single men.

Dear Men,

If you’re alone this Valentine’s Day, you probably don’t care that much. (If you have a girlfriend or wife, she probably will….) However, if you’re alone much of the time and are tired of it, then you need to make some changes in your life. I did, and it made all the difference in the world for me.

If you’re sick of seeing ads like the one below, with the happy, smiling couples, and thinking that could never be you, then perhaps it’s time to change.

Not many years ago, I was in my early forties and very lacking in confidence with women.  This seems quite strange to people who know me, as I had been married – and divorced – twice by that point. However, one of the reasons I kept jumping into marriages was because of this lack of confidence. I would get my courage up long enough to get close to a woman and promptly propose.

Take it from me, marriage is not a solution to loneliness; it can actually make it worse. The solution is not to “find someone, anyone,” but to develop your confidence.

Women are Attracted to Confident Men

This Valentine’s Day give the gift of confidence to yourself.  If you come across as lacking in confidence, you ain’t getting nowhere with women. Developing confidence will pay off not just in ‘getting women,’ but in every area of your life. We are entering troubled times that are unlikely to end, and we need confident men.

Now, you can be confident based on an honest assessment of your abilities or simply on believing in yourself regardless of evidence, or ideally based on both. George W. Bush was widely described as cocky – and look where that got him. You may or may not be happy about Bush’s rise to the most powerful position in the world, but the fact is that a lot of very confident men get what they want out of life whether they deserve it or not.

(If you are cursed with a certain impulse toward honesty, you are very unlikely to rise far in our society regardless of your confidence, because our society is in denial about fundamental facts about reality and won’t want to hear what you have to say. However, you will be happier by being true to yourself and will certainly do better with confidence than without.)

The world needs self-confident men, men willing to face reality. We don’t need more cocky men, we need confident men. Part of confidence is choosing reality, not wishful thinking. Cockiness often requires ignoring reality.

It’s Not Money

Many men think women are attracted to money, and to a certain extent this is true. Many women are also attracted to power, fast cars, material possessions, and other things you may or may not have. There are a lot of immature or insecure women in the world, and you can certainly attract them with wealth and power – but do you want an insecure woman? You will if you are insecure yourself, but not if you are a confident man.

Most women want a man who is sure of himself and who is going places. They want you to have some ambition, to have some goals in life, to know yourself. You can be a fry cook at McDonalds and attract women – if you have confidence and a plan. If your plan is to work menial jobs so you can smoke dope all day, don’t be surprised if women are unimpressed.

Why Jerks Get Women, or, Nice Guys Get Nothing

I used to be one of those ‘nice guys’ who complained that the women only went for the jerks, the assholes who treated them poorly. What I eventually discovered was that women don’t really like jerks, but they like the confidence the jerk displays by clearly not caring what others think about him.

No woman wants a man who is clingy, who always wants to know what she wants, who has no preferences or desires of his own, and so on. Jerks appear confident because, by treating the woman poorly, they appear to have confidence. Women with high self-worth see through this and they want a confident, non-jerky man.

One word of warning, especially if you buy the DeAngelo ebook or something similar; don’t turn into a misogynist. Some guys, presumably lacking confidence, are only able to be forward with women by disrespecting them. Make no mistake, they will get women, but they will never keep a good woman.

Women Want to be Ravished

Or, women like sex, too, but they have certain hangups about it that prevent (most of) them from being forward. This I learned from David Deida (see the next section), and it is quite true. It has not been acceptable for women to make sexual overtures since forever, and that is not simply social conditioning; it is also one of the ways that women test a man (see the section after next).

As a result, women usually want the man to take the initiative sexually and will lose respect for you if you don’t – or don’t at least try. Believe it or not, Mr. Nice Guy, you are far better off to try early and inappropriately than too late or weakly. Whatever you do, don’t frickin ask; that defeats the whole purpose. This rather crude but hilarious craigslist post gets the idea across.

Women Don’t Know What They Want

With apologies to women, they really don’t know what they want. This is why women seem so confusing to men, who are more goal-oriented and concrete. A book that helped me tremendously in my journey was David Deida’s The Way of the Superior Man. Deida did not mean that men are superior to women.  The purpose of the book is to show you how to be a superior man. This book is definitely not for everyone, as it gets pretty esoteric in spots.

Let me give you two highlights:

• Women are like the ocean, a largely undirected but enormous source of power – the power of creation
• Men are like ships on the ocean; we can work in harmony with the forces of the ocean and achieve our goals, or we can fight the ocean and be destroyed

What this means in practice is that women have ’storms’ that sometimes seem to appear from nowhere – and as quickly dissipate. And that a man stirs up or makes such storms worse at his peril. It also means that sometimes the storms have nothing to do with you, but you just happened to be sailing through at the time and have to deal with it. As a confident man, you just deal with it and are not drawn into the swirling vortex of emotions yourself; an unconfident man reacts to the storm by trying to ‘make it better,’ or by getting pulled in and angry or emotional himself, or in some other way making the tempest worse.

It also means that women can be a great support and help to a man; take away the ocean and it’s a long and hard walk from one continent to another.

Women are Always Testing

Women constantly test men to see if they are worthy. Get over it. You will never find a woman who accepts you completely and utterly and forever, no matter what you do, except possibly your mother. (And even there….) Women are biologically wired to seek security. This comes, I am sure, from millennia of being the one who got pregnant and then having to raise a child; this puts a woman in a vulnerable position. A few decades of reliable birth control is hardly enough to overcome thousands of years of biological programming, so women want to know that a man is going to stick around and help with that child before he gets into her loincloth.

Men also seek security, but in different ways; power, money, status, credentials, connections – all are forms of security. This is one reason many women seek men with these things, because they mean some degree of security.

Be Physical

Women are often accused by men of being ‘too emotional,’ and it is certainly true that women’s emotions are more obviously displayed. However, men have emotions, too; that’s why so many drive ridiculously large pickup trucks, for example. They got suckered by emotional appeals by automobile advertisers, but can’t admit it, so rationalise away the need for such an expensive and impractical vehicle. Such men are indeed compensating for something: a lack of confidence. They would be embarrassed to buy a more practical vehicle; they care too much about what other people think.

That said, I think most men will agree that women are generally much more emotional than men, and this leads to a key difference: where men attempt to ‘think things through,’ women respond much better to the physical. If your male buddy faced some difficult situation, few men would offer a hug. Instead, we would attempt to help by talking in some way.

Women don’t work that way. Because they are more emotional, they are less rational – in the way men think of rational. We think it is far more rational to sit and discuss a difficult issue, say financial woes, where to woman action speaks far louder than words.  Let me give you a personal example, a lesson that I learned from a wiser man than me and that I did not really believe until I tried myself.

This fellow faced a situation where his wife, a new immigrant with her child, had become very upset. She had left her country to come and be with this man, and suddenly she got scared. She had given up a job, had brought her child, didn’t speak the language that well, knew nobody else in the new country, was now utterly dependent upon this man…and suddenly was having doubts about her decision. After a giant argument, the woman was in the bathroom sobbing her heart out.

What to do? Most men would try to talk, to calm her down, to reassure. This man, however, was a superior man. He recognised, consciously or not, that his woman had become overcome by fear. He walked into the bathroom and kissed her, hard. She melted. Her fears subsided (remember: ocean, storms…) and the sailing was smoother after that.

It makes for a nice story, and I remembered it but didn’t really believe it. It sounded like something out of a old movie. Then, one day….

My wife was extremely upset about something (me, obviously.) Extremely. Curled up in a ball, sobbing uncontrollably upset. In my pre-Superior Man life I would have attempted to talk, or ‘given her some space’ until she was more rational. That hadn’t worked before – I had gone through two divorces, if you recall.

So I walked over to her and wrapped my arms around her and just hugged her, hard. It took a moment, and then she melted. Her fears subsided. I was amazed. She relaxed and got back into a better place.

Getting Women – or at least A Woman

Ok, so what does all this have to do with getting laid/a girlfriend/relationship/wife? You are far more likely to get any or all of those if you have some confidence in yourself, in your future, and you understand women a little bit.

Here are the things I did to overcome my lack of confidence with women:

1. I made new habits. This is critical. I practised a new behaviour not just once or a few times, but often enough that it became comfortable. Then I upped the ante; I pushed myself further out of my comfort zone. This included being ‘forward’ with women, and flirting – see below.
2. I stopped taking things personally, a very bad habit of mine that I still battle. Some women are not going to be interested in you, and there’s nothing you can or should do about that. Move on.
3. I dated. A lot. I went speed dating. I joined Match.com, Lavalife.com, veggiedate.org (I’m vegetarian), and others that I’ve forgotten. I even put ads in the personals and joined a video dating service. All of those produced dates; 90% of them were with women I had no further interest in seeing a second time. So what? Look at all the practice I got interacting with women – I got much more comfortable talking with women, and with…
4. Flirting – it’s not just for women, and women love it when men flirt. Male flirting is not at all the same as female flirting, and that brings me to….
5. I bought a course from David DeAngelo. I spent over one hundred dollars on an eBook and a course of CDs that claimed to teach “How To Meet And Attract Beautiful Women… Even If You Aren’t Tall, Rich Or Handsome.” (The link is to the eBook; it looks like the CD and DVD-courses may not be available. I sold mine on eBay after I was done with it, so you may want to look there.) Both were great and will teach you invaluable lessons – if you do what is recommended. This takes courage. If nothing else, sign up for DeAngelo’s free tips.

Where the Rubber Meets the Road

Or the you-know-what. The things I mentioned – online and speed dating, DeAngelo’s courses – all will work if you do the work.  There are no magic formulas that eliminate the need for courage and a willingness to take chances. If you aren’t ready for that, there’s always the Fleshlight, I suppose.

But if you are, then give yourself the ultimate gift – of self-confidence. Believe in yourself, and trust that there is a woman for you. You may have to go through many of them to find yours, or even to know yourself well enough and to develop sufficient confidence to get the woman you deserve. Enjoy the journey, and know that it is just as important as the destination.

UPDATE: For those interested, here is a follow-up article: Suggestions for Unattached Men II – Getting Lots of Dates and Flirting.

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Resources for this post

Here are some of the things that worked for me to develop more confidence with women. Online dating services like Match and lavalife will get you in front of a lot of women. Be forewarned; beautiful women get overwhelmed with responses. DeAngelo (the uppermost banner) has excellent tips for dealing with this, including keeping your ad fresh, being one of the first to contact a woman who has just placed an ad, and creating an intriguing ad of your own.

Do you ever feel like you’re the only sane person in an insane world? I don’t want to believe that climate change and peak oil and peak fish and ocean acidification and various other looming catastrophes are coming. Who does? That would be psychopathic. At the same time, ignoring real-world evidence and shouting down scientists seems rather…crazy.

It’s easy to start questioning your sanity when so many act as if nothing is wrong. Here I am, fighting to get action on peak oil and climate change, and there goes Joe the Plumber, commuting to work in his brand new Hummer with a Support the Troops bumper sticker. And it’s not just people who could, possibly, be excused for not knowing any better. The Canadian Conservative Party, U.S. Republicans, and Libertarians everywhere – all loudly turning a blind eye to reality.

Is this not crazy? I have asked for contrary evidence from credible sources, and all I get are:

• Variations on “You’re crazy”; people calling me paranoid, sex-deprived, too stupid to even talk to, and so on
• Sources that are clearly not credible; look, if some guy is not a climate scientist, receives funding from oil companies, has a history of being funded by corporations and pushing their view against that of the vast majority of scientists and accumulated evidence, HE IS NOT CREDIBLE

I suppose people are desperate to believe what they want to believe. Perhaps many of them think that by shooting the messenger, the message he carries also dies. I wish it were true.

How do you keep your sanity in a world where so many lie to themselves and others? One fellow sent me a list of supposed climate scientists who deny that climate change is happening, or agree that it is but say it’s not dangerous, or agree that it is happening and is dangerous but we can’t do anything about it anyway so let’s make as much money and whoop-it-up while we can; I can’t remember. There are so many such lists and so many conflicting claims. The problem that I have found with them is that they are bullshit. When I pointed out to the man who sent me his particular list that, on the very first page were numerous people with zero qualifications in climate science (some management consultants, a couple of engineers, economists, retired stock promoters and so forth), he immediately shot back with “Well, what about all the other people on the list?”

This is intellectual dishonesty. Look, if you are relying on a list of supposed credible sources, it is your job to validate your sources, not mine. When I see a list where it is instantly obvious that many on it are not credible, don’t expect me to go through the entire list. I’m throwing the whole thing out.

Peak oil denial is even more incredible. Obviously the oil will run out someday; there was a fixed supply to start with. To deny that is to confirm your foolishness: “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.”

Given the massive dependence of our entire economy on oil, it seems rather dumb not to plan for it running out – or even to make the slightest attempt to determine when it will. That’s like piling your family in the car and driving off into the wilderness without ever once checking the gas gauge. I would call that a really stupid thing to do. Crazy. Nuts. Idiotic. Irresponsible. Yet that is exactly what highly paid people whose job it is to check the gas gauge have been doing.

So who’s the crazy person here? Am I loony because I only listen to credentialed, peer-reviewed climate scientists? Is it nuts to ignore people paid by oil companies, who just happen to be pushing views that maximise short-term profits for oil companies, and who have a documented history of doing the same thing for tobacco and other industries? Who’s the kook? Me, who insists on credible sources, on actual data, on common sense, or the people who say the oil is not going to run out now because it’s just not. Why? Because. It’s like talking to a three-year-old. In a thousand-dollar suit.

If a sane person were locked in an airtight room, one of his first thoughts would surely be, “How long will the air last?” The answer to that question determines your response. Do you have minutes, hours, days? If one of these peak oil or climate denier twits was locked in that airtight room, I suppose he would sit passively, secure in the knowledge that the air fairy would provide.

For non-twits

There are several very good websites and books that provide credible information on peak oil and climate change. Here are some websites:

Peak Oil:

• The Oil Drum
• Energy Bulletin
• Association for the Study of Peak Oil (ASPO) International

Climate Change:

• RealClimate: Climate Science from Climate Scientists
• Grist
• The Guardian’s Environment section

And some books: